As I’ve said before I developed a migraine headache issue in college with stress being the largest trigger. Like most fellow sufferers, I learned to live with them, pop some pills with a strong dose of caffeine and just hope for the best. This seemed to work until my second full time teaching job.
I was married and living in Stockbridge and just landed my first full time music teaching gig sometime around 1998. I had been commuting to Marietta for a part time music teaching job that I loved but I longed for a full time job with full time pay and benefits so I jumped in head first to what didn’t feel like the ultimate best opportunity in Riverdale which is in Clayton county. It turned out to be a horrible place. I had no support from the parents, the administrators or even my fellow music teacher and had no hope of transferring for three years. I would push my cart up and down the hallways I could have done a survey of all the different kinds of antidepressants and other medications the teachers were taking and my migraines were becoming chronic. In fact I missed 32 days of school my second year there and quit without another job to go to the last week of school. It was the most horrible working environment I have ever experienced in my life.
By 1999/2000, my migraines were so bad I was not only missing work, I was canceling plans with my friends and making my husband pretty miserable. There were days where he would literally have to pick me up off the floor. He was so desperate to help me that one day he made some nauseating concoction with herbs and cayenne pepper and I thought he was trying to kill me and not cure me. I was miserable and miserable to be around. I was not the happy healthy person he married. He did everything he could but he wasn’t a miracle worker. Some days I resembled a green-eyed monster. What I had become was just awful.
Out of desperation, I tried everything I could to get better. I tried taking a calcium/magnesium supplement, ginkgo biloba, feverfew…I can’t even recall all the things I tried. I tried an elimination diet and went from doctor to doctor and was starting to think this pain that was so real was somehow psychosomatic but I knew it was real. It was a struggle to get out of bed everyday. All of these doctors would run tests, and prescribe drugs with no relief in sight. If it was in the triptan family, I had probably taken it. The list of medications I tried took up an entire sheet of legal paper. I would take that list with me to each of the seven different doctors I went to. The local pharmacist got to know me so well, he would just hand me my bag as soon as I walked in. My general practitioner had no idea what she could do to help. I had exhausted two neurologists and was on a waiting list for headache specialist at Emory.
The order of doctors is kind of a blur but it seems I had seen seven. One of the neurologists actually tried his best to solve my issue and took time to explain things to me. He was truly a good doctor. Many doctors don’t take the time to explain details to the patients and explain the possible causes, possible treatments and what each medication actually does. When he was out of ideas I chose to see the headache specialist that took me three month to get an appointment with. He was just too busy to really take an interest in my case and seemed to have a bit of a “God” complex. Each time I would call in because the latest battery of medications were not working, he would just get someone to call in something else that didn’t work. I had no idea what I was taking. I was just desperate for relief. One of the few times he spoke to me on the phone he suggested a try a yoga tape. I was so drugged out, I would go out to my car to get something and forget why I was even out there. I think this is when my cat got locked out of the house a few times. I was so bad off, I couldn’t even make a trip to NY to visit my dad as I had done every summer of my entire life. I was then in search of another Dr. who actually cared.
My lists of failed medications was growing longer. I didn’t even know at the time some of the medications were anti-anxiety drugs. I had even tried old fashioned ones like migranol and one called statedol which later had a class action law suit against it. These were some serious toxic things I was putting in my body. The pain was radiating into my neck and shoulders and I was loosing mobility in my neck and my quality of life and my marriage were degrading. I had to find a way out. I was a mess and emotionally at my whit’s end.
I went to a pain management clinic to look into a treatment called radio frequency where they were actually going to disconnect the nerve endings in the back of my head so I wouldn’t feel anything. I actually went for two nerve block treatments where they stuck needles into my neck and numbed my head. It was much better but the pain was not gone. That Dr. actually sent me to someone who would change my life. My chiropractor! I finally met a doctor who understood there was a cause for my pain and we had to treat the cause and not just the symptoms. He explained it was like when the check engine light comes on in the car and instead of adding oil and checking for a leak, we just put a black piece of tape over it. I was relieved that he thought he could help. I also looked into alternative treatments and supplements and cleanses that he recommended through blood tests and bio testing to try and cleanse some of the toxic waste that was left from all the medications especially the Depakote and Neurontin that were toxic to my liver. I had actually made the appointment to have the radio-frequency done but my chiropractor convinced me to wait. I spent so much time in his office, that I knew he had to be right so I canceled the appointment and never went back. Looking back, I wish I had known about acupuncture. I really think that would have been an excellent pain management treatment for me.
I was teaching at Marietta Middle School in 2000/2001 and loved my job until the following school year when I was asked to teaching reading instead of chorus and band. I was seeing my chiropractor 3 times a week, a physical therapist every week and I forget who prescribed a TENS unit to block the pain but I was starting to become functional even if I had to work with this TENS unit on and an icepack on the back of my neck, I was making progress. This was about a year and a half since my initial issue popped up. I also got a prescription for physical therapy which I got insurance to mostly cover for six months and began getting mobility back in my neck. We also had moved to Roswell during my second year teaching there and it was closer to my job and my doctors. My chiropractor, a TENS unit and physical therapy were actually working but there was still that issue of cause. I can’t remember who recommended stress management but that the next step on my journey to being a normal healthy person.
My family was very concerned about my stress and my pain and assumed it had to be my marriage. I thought I had a great marriage but they convinced me there must be a problem I just wasn’t seeing. My husband had been nothing but supportive of me and my condition. Literally picking me up off the floor, holding my hand when I would cry because it hurt so much, making me the infamous Cayenne Tea, taking me to appointments, putting up with my bad moods, my lack of interest in life in general and putting up with my family blaming him for my illness. Well, the solution was to go to marriage counseling and for me to receive stress management. Even though we went to marriage counseling under false pretenses, I learned that everyone who is married can benefit from marriage counseling and that I in fact had a wonderful healthy marriage. We went for couples counseling and also individual counseling which my husband was soon told he didn’t need. I had a few issues to work on. The biggest one being Stress Management, and another one Being Assertive, and the third that I never quite fixed was Time Management.
Stress management was obvious because of my pain issues, so we made special relaxation tapes for me to listen to and exercises for me to do. I had to do a lot of dialoging and thinking and lots of “homework”. We all need to have the right tools to deal with our issues and this counselor recommended by my family was giving them to me and teaching me how to use them. The ironic thing is my family was a large part of my issue and I had to learn to be more assertive and stand up to them and not let them convince me their ideas were correct. (This gets into family dynamic that are quite interesting but I won’t go into them now.) Basically my whole life my family never believed I could think for myself and that was the issue. The last issue is Time Management. I think this is either a genetic or learned issue that I can see in one of my sisters and even to a small extent in my mother. I think it has to do with being highly intelligent creative and well, ADD. Again I have a theory about this that I will explore further in another entry. I still have time management issues but they are much better. I honestly did not want to do the work and continue treatment for this.
The last thing this doctor suggested was to go on a mild anti-anxiety medication called Celexa. I had given up all of my medications and was cleansing my liver and my body from toxins and had sworn to never take another pill again so this was a big deal. I went to see my General Practitioner and got the prescription along with samples and stared at the pack for three days. I actually got a migraine and threw up over the thought of taking a pill and then realized that is why I needed them. I had anxiety over taking the anti-anxiety pill. At this time of near recovery from my illness I also was undergoing some serious stress in my life. It was a real blessing to be in counseling during this time in my life when I was recovering from this chronic pain illness, and I changed jobs and my father was dying of cancer. In fact I went through five deaths in my family within a year and was commuting from Roswell to Covington every day and had jumped into another unsupported situation. This is what I call two years of pure hell that I survived.
After that summer of 2003, I left my teaching job after having a couple of meltdowns and being treated poorly by my parents, a few students,and my administration. I gave up teaching in public schools period! I also quit or was kicked out of a choir I was singing with. So within two years I was being treated for a chronic pain illness, moved, changed jobs, had five deaths in the family, lost my job, my choir and that was soo much stress. I also quit counseling and started taking yoga which again I will detail in another entry. I had quit the Celexa by this point as it was intended for short term use and was determined to work for myself . I had to reduce my stress somehow and that was a start. The root of all of my health issues was stress!
I am lucky, my husband was very supportive of my decision to not go back to teaching in public schools. He witnessed first hand hand how awful the schools were to me and what they had turned me into and he did not want that for me. He was there with me through the five deaths and all the trips back and forth to NY and through all the moving and changing jobs and even more stressful things I am not documenting. The point is without proper treatment, someone to support me, and stress management I would not be here right now. I learned to be proactive and take charge of my life and squash the stress monster that was ruining my life. I have told this story in a variety of ways to many people over the years and have found my experiences seem to help others who are going through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is a way out. There is a way to reclaim your life by making the choice to not take no for an answer and to not let stress run your life.
* please note I am a horrible speller and am sure I have misspelled countless medication names.